


Crystal Rain I: Mocking The Lonely Heart

by BradyGirl_12



Series: Crystal Rain [1]
Category: due South
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, Established Relationship, Humiliation, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Male Slash, Public Humiliation, Series, Series: Crystal Rain, Slash, Verbal Humiliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-07-29
Updated: 1999-07-29
Packaged: 2018-11-10 09:44:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11124627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BradyGirl_12/pseuds/BradyGirl_12
Summary: Can a Mountie cry?





	1. Cigar Store Mountie

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017.Original pseudonym: Gilda Lily.
> 
>  **Rating: PG-13.**
> 
>  
> 
>  **Pairing: Renny/Ray K. and a little bit of Benny/Ray V.**
> 
>  
> 
>  **Category: Drama.**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> **Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, Alliance does, more's the pity.**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  **Comments can be made to:**
> 
>  
> 
>  **(c) July 8, 1999**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> **This is a sort-of alternate universe in which Ray Vecchio never  
> **  
>  went undercover and left Benny, but Ray Kowalski was assigned to the  
> 27th Precinct and he and Renfield Turnbull became lovers.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> **Also, the Consulate is the original one, and the Queen's Bedroom  
> **  
>  is part of it as even though they never mentioned one in Seasons 1&2,  
> they *could* have had one!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mocking Renfield Turnbull is easy for some people.

****Ray glanced over at the other Ray's desk. Vecchio was out to lunch with Fraser and he was stuck with the paperwork on their latest case. He and Ray Vecchio didn't work on every case together, since Vecchio was still unofficially partnered with the Mountie, but this case had thrown them together and that suited both just fine. After their initial hostilities, they'd sorted things out and now each had a Mountie of his own.

Except that most people knew about Vecchio and Fraser, but no one knew about him and Renny. He felt uneasy at keeping it a secret, but he had his reasons. He felt guilty about those reasons but he decided as long as Renny was happy with things the way they were, why rock the boat? 

Jack Huey was talking to some of the patrol officers who had come in to get some print-outs from Elaine. One of the officers, a big, beefy man by the name of Bert Tasher guffawed and said, "Oh, yeah, right, Huey! Like that goofball could be of any help on a case!" 

"Hey, he sketched the perp." 

Tasher's partner, Dale Bartowski, was younger and slender, his hazel eyes shining as he snickered. "Maybe if he'd drawn it with a feather duster, I could believe it." 

The two officers laughed. Jack merely shrugged. 

Tasher said, "He trips over his own feet. And what's with the prim and proper bit? Though how anybody can be prissy when he breaks everything in sight. He got your paperweight last week, Huey." 

"Yeah." Jack frowned. It had been his favorite paperweight. 

Ray wondered who they were talking about. Whoever it was sounded like a real dork. 

"Hey, Kowalski, you gotta put up with that Dudley Do-Right sometimes!" Tasher called over to him. "How do ya stand it?" 

"Wha...?" Was this guy dissing _Fraser_? Why, that...! 

"I mean, who ever heard of a guy yammering on about the Canadian Parliament or some such crap?" 

"Look, Fraser can be annoying, but..." 

Tasher and Bartowski looked at each other and then burst out laughing. "No, Kowalski!" Tasher shook his head in amusement. "I mean that goofball, Turnbull!" 

Ray felt his cheeks grow hot. Oh, no! 

"He's a real ding-a-ling, dontcha agree, Kowalski?" 

Embarrassment flooded Ray. Bad enough if these guys found out he was doin' Turnbull, but that it _was_ Turnbull...! He laughed and leaned back in his chair, lacing his hands behind his head. "Yeah, that goof is a real jerk, all right. He's not to be believed. He stumbles over his tongue as well as his feet. Maybe we could get him a job with a maid service." 

"Yeah," Bartowski grinned. "He's a real moron." 

The two officers and Ray snickered, then Ray went back to writing his report again. A shadow fell across the desk. He looked up and felt the blood drain from his face. 

Turnbull stood there in all his resplendent Mountie glory, his face a wooden Mountie mask. His hat tucked neatly under his arm, he held out a file folder in a rock-steady hand and said, "Here is the information that you requested, Detective Kowalski." Then he turned and walked out of the squadroom. 

Ray looked down at his desk, trying not to look stricken as Bartowski and Tasher laughed. 

"Hey, the moron was here all along! Well, I've had my joke for the day," Tasher said, and he and Bartowski left. 

Ray's stomach hurt. 


	2. Tears Of The Mountie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renny tries to deal with the hurt.

****Renfield Turnbull stumbled down the street, his hat shielding his eyes. Tears prickled with burning intensity as he walked. Oh, he couldn't cry! Not in public! It just wouldn't do!

The words spoken in the police squadroom played around and around in his head. He'd heard words like that before. When he'd been a child, at the Academy, at every assignment he'd had in the RCMP. He suspected his colleagues here at the Consulate felt the same way, but they were too polite to say it. 

At least the two Chicago policemen had been honest. But Ray...! 

His eyes burned again. Oh, dear. He increased his pace. He wanted to get back to the Consulate and get a little privacy in the men's room. Or maybe he would just sneak up to the Queen's Bedroom for a moment. 

He thought that Ray...well, he loved Ray, but he knew that Ray didn't love him. Yet the American had seemed satisfied with their relationship. The sex was great, at least for Renny. He didn't consider himself the greatest lover but Ray had always seemed satisfied with their lovemaking, and was always willing to go to bed with him. Surely if he'd been bored he would not have done that. 

And he thought that Ray had enjoyed the meals he'd cooked for him and the movies they had gone to, and even their trips to the park. Ray had always been kind to him, overlooking his clumsiness and occasional stuttering and seeming happy in his company. 

Sadness flooded through him. He should have known it wasn't so. He quickly dashed away a tear and was relieved to see that the Consulate was only a block away. He hurried into the building past Cooper on sentry duty and said hello to Jasmine at the receptionist's desk. He nearly flew up the stairs to the third floor and went into the Queen's Bedroom, shutting the door behind him. 

He pressed his handkerchief to his eyes, a few tears seeping out. He shouldn't cry, really. It was an unmanly thing to do. His father would be quite disappointed in him. Or, more disappointed than usual. He took a deep breath and wiped his eyes, returning the handkerchief to his pocket and leaving the room. 

He splashed some water on his face in the men's room and then went out to relieve Cooper. Ordinarily he enjoyed sentry duty as it allowed him to daydream. When he was performing his other duties he always felt guilty about that, but as a sentry, one was almost required to do it. Of course, he had heard one American tourist saying to his wife that only a moron could do this kind of duty because people of little intelligence were just right for this job. Well, that just showed what _he_ knew! Constable Fraser was _very_ intelligent, and Cooper was a bright young man, too. 

He sighed quietly and tried not to think about what he would do now. He hadn't expected his...his...liaison? to last with Ray Kowaski, but he _had_ hoped that it would have lasted a little longer. Ray had made him happy. The American had seemed to enjoy the relationship, and Renny had loved cooking for him and giving him little presents. Perhaps he had just embarrassed him too much with all that. 

He felt his throat close up as he fought back tears again. Had Ray been telling about his dates with Renny to his co-workers and laughing over what had gone on? An old memory surfaced and he nearly gasped with the pain of it. He quickly clamped down on the pain as a flash of green registered on the peripherary of his vision. The door of the Riv opened and Fraser stepped out. Ray Vecchio also got out and the two started to enter the Consulate when Fraser paused by Renny. 

"Constable, would you please stop by my office when you get off duty?" 

Renny blinked in affirmation and Ray said to Fraser's back as they went up the front steps, "How can you and Turnbull do that duty all the time, Benny? It's mind-numbing..." 

The door closed behind the Chicago accent and Renny mentally bit his lip. Ray Vecchio considered the duty to be beneath his lover's dignity, and he had included Renny in that indignation. He didn't consider Renny to be stupid. Or at least Renny didn't think he did. Detective Vecchio was kind to him. He always had been, though he would roll his eyes at some clumsy mistake on Renny's part, but he had never been cruel to him. When Fraser had been trapped on that hostage train with Inspector Thatcher and the Musical Ride, he and Detective Vecchio had been the ones who had raced to the airport with the ransom money. The American had been tense with worry over Fraser and Renny had half-expected him to tear his head off, but the Detective had looked at him and said, "What am I gonna do if something happens to him?" Renny had tried to comfort him, awkward as usual, but Detective Vecchio had seemed to appreciate his efforts. He'd given him a little smile and a "Thanks, Turnbull," and then he'd gone off to rescue the man he loved. 

After that, the Detective had been more patient with him. Renny was grateful for that. Inspector Thatcher was _never_ patient with him, though he didn't blame her. He was stupid and clumsy and deserved her wrath, but the more she yelled at him, the more he dropped and broke things. Constable Fraser was usually patient with him, though there were times that he suspected he was trying his colleague's patience. He tried very hard to be efficient and live up to being a Mountie, but being clumsy and clueless was just him. He had tried hard to change, but he never could. 

It was probably all those things that made Ray Kowalski so contemptuous of him. He didn't blame the American, really, since he deserved it, but his lover had seemed so... _kind_. He didn't seem the type to kick a dog, but Ray had been laughing at him all this time. Renny felt his heart beat faster in his chest. He fought the hyperventilation down. It would _not_ do to gasp for air outside the Consulate! The Inspector would not be happy! He forced his hands to stop trembling. Luckily he could clasp them tightly behind his back. 

The front door opened and Ray Vecchio walked down the steps with his easy grace. He was wearing expensive cologne and smelled good. Renny blushed. 

"Hey, Turnbull, see ya around." 

He wished that he could respond, but he contented himself with watching the long-limbed Italian get into his beloved car and drive away. 

Finally his shift was over and he reported promptly to Constable Fraser's office. Fraser said, "Have a seat, Constable." 

"Yes, sir." 

Renny tried to remember what he might have done wrong lately. Had he broken a vase today? Or spilled coffee on a newly-typed report? Or tripped and fallen in front of a visiting diplomat? He honestly could not recall any mistake of his today. He waited for his superior to speak. 

"Are you all right, Renfield?" 

Renny blinked at that soft, concerned voice. How...? 

"Oh, yes, sir. I'm fine," he lied. "May...May I ask why you would ask me such a question?" 

"I don't know. You just seemed...upset...when I saw you outside." 

_Oh, dear._

"I'm fine, really. Thank you kindly for asking." 

"All right." Fraser seemed unconvinced but didn't push. "But if anything ever _is_ wrong, Renfield, you will come and tell me?" 

"Oh, yes, sir." 

Fraser nodded and Renny left as quickly as he could without arousing suspicion. He left the Consulate, his shift over, and went home. 

* * * * * * 

Renny at on his couch, dressed in jeans and an immaculate white T-shirt as he hugged a pillow to his stomach. He was barefoot and his hair was still damp from the shower. He had sat there with his leg bent and his arms tightly hugging that pillow for two hours now. The sun had set and the shadows were lengthening across the room. He hadn't turned on a light. 

Memories of his time with Ray had been playing in his mind, and he had been experiencing happiness and sadness. Other memories were crowding the recent ones out, and his chest hurt as he remembered his other failed relationships. He couldn't blame any of the others, because they couldn't be expected to stay interested in someone as klutzy and boring as himself. Yet all the other times had hurt, just like today. He blinked rapidly and swallowed painfully. He still hadn't cried. Maybe tonight when he went to his empty bed. Perhaps he could permit himself to cry then. He hugged the pillow tighter to him as the shadows grew into full-fledged darkness.* 


	3. Meltdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renny stands sentry duty in the hot sun.

*****Renfield Turnbull woke up with an incredible feeling of sadness draped over him. He would have much rather have had Ray Kowalski draped over him. He got out of bed, feeling like an eighty-year-old man, and took a shower and shaved.

He drank only coffee for breakfast, his stomach unable to handle food, and he dressed in his red serge and walked to work. 

Every now and again Ray would show up and drive him to work, like Ray Vecchio did for Constable Fraser. Or he did it whenever he stayed overnight at Renny's apartment. It had made Renny feel good to know that Ray would perform this courtesy for him. He trembled slightly as he realized that Ray was just using the courtesy to keep him lulled into thinking that he cared. 

He willed the tears that threatened to start to go away. He was a Mountie. He could do this. It wasn't the first time he had been unceremoniously dumped by a lover, and it wouldn't be the last. He wondered what it felt like to be the one doing the dumping, but once he committed to a man, he gave his all: love, devotion, body. It was never enough, but then, how could he blame them? He sighed. People generally got tired of stupidity and lack of grace. And since he was no fireball in bed, he couldn't even keep them interested with that particular skill. 

He said good morning to Jasmine and Ovitz and took his seat behind his desk. He wondered if he would ever have a lover again. He had really thought that Ray Kowalski would have lasted longer. He wasn't sure if he could invest himself in someone else again and then get dumped. But he was so lonely! 

_Fool. Constable Fraser did very well all those years before he met Detective Vecchio. He usually was assigned alone to remote Arctic outposts, so he'd been alone for a good , long time before coming to Chicago. Constable Fraser didn't whine and moan about being_ _alone. He saved himself for his true love._

Renny sighed as he arranged his paper clips in a neat circle. Of course that would not be so difficult for him to stay chaste if a true love was out there for him, but the best he could hope for was to attract someone for a short while and ease the loneliness a little. 

It was no use to consider getting involved with a woman. Even discounting his preference for men, he was ten times as awkward with women. The few girls he had worked up the courage to ask out in high school had laughed in his face, and the few dates he had gone on as a young college student had been arranged by his father as escorts for eligible young women of good families. They had been so bored that they had never asked to date him again. 

And he didn't want anyone else. He wanted Ray. 

He bit his lip and then fell to work, hoping that Consulate business would keep his mind off his pain. 

* * * * * * 

"Constable Turnbull!" 

"Yes, sir!" 

Renny abruptly stood, banging his knee against the desk and knocking over a vase filled with fresh flowers. The vase crashed at Thatcher's feet, spraying her with water and daisy petals. Renny went white. 

"I'm so sorry, sir! I'll clean you up right away!" 

"Don't bother," Thatcher said with icy disgust. Her hands were on her hips and she glared daggers at her subordinate. "Clean the mess up and leave me alone. And then get out there on sentry duty." 

"Yes, sir." 

Renny hurried to obey, nearly tripping over his own feet in his haste to do so. He heard Thatcher's disgusted hiss and Ovitz's snicker as he went to the closet to get a broom and dustpan. He made a trip to the men's room to get towels to mop up the water, and he regretfully threw the broken daisies in the trash. 

He took up his post outside the Consulate, wishing that the blast of heat would cool down. He was not as sensitive to heat as Constable Fraser was, since he had grown up in Toronto and the heat there could be high, but he hadn't worn red serge during such high temperatures, either. He took a deep breath and began his watch. 

Images of Ray and himself entwined on his bed began to invade his mind, and he began to feel a little dizzy as Ray's mouth descended on his and his tongue sweetly probed him. He could remember Ray's smell, his voice rough from sex, his lithe body wrapped around his. Renny blinked rapidly as he thought that he would never experience those pleasures again. 

He tried to clear his mind of all thoughts of Ray. That was difficult at the best of times, and today it was nearly impossible. His heart was already broken; was it melting away as well on this hellish day? 

He began to hear a faint buzzing in his ears as the sun beat down, the Chicago street wavering as he squinted. It was so bright! The serge was sticking to his skin, his throat was dry, and shooting pains went through his legs. The sound of a car engine penetrated his fog. Oh, perhaps it was the Riviera again. The thought of a breezy 'Hello!' from Detective Vecchio pleased him. His heart pounded and he felt dizzy. Spots danced in front of his eyes. A voice began speaking to him. He wished he could hear what Detective Vecchio was saying. 

The dizziness roiled in him like a restless ocean, and he gasped as he felt himself grow short of air. His blood boiled; his face burned scarlet; his knees began to buckle. Whirls, waves, colors bright and burned out as the white-hot blaze blinded him. The world tilted crazily and he pitched into the abyss, the voice calling out his name...* 


	4. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renny makes a confession.

*****Beeping? Hissing? Crinkling?

All the sounds of a hospital. What had happened? He tried to open his eyes but they were too heavy. He sighed. 

"Renny?" 

Pain stabbed through him. He must be hallucinating. Surely that couldn't be...! 

"Wake up, Renny." 

He struggled to open his eyes. A blurry figure stood over him, but he recognized the blond hair. Oh, no. 

"R...Ray?" 

"Yeah, Renny, it's me." 

Confused, Renny said, "What happened?" _What are you doing here?_

"You collapsed out in front of the Consulate. Heatstroke, the doctor says." 

"Oh." Renny blinked. He didn't think the Inspector would be too happy about this. "I...Ray, I'm sorry." 

"For what?" 

Renny stared at the door to his room and laced his fingers together. "I need to say this, Ray. Please listen. I want to apologize for embarrassing you. I never meant to, but I can't help it. I guess it's just me. I try hard to change, but I can't." 

He took a deep breath, trying to steady his voice. Tears threatened, but he could _not_ allow them to fall. Not in front of Ray! "I certainly don't blame you. I know I'm not the type to have long-term relationships. The bloom falls off the rose pretty quickly." He smiled shakily as he blinked away the tears. "But it's definitely not you, Ray. I...I've been dumped before. The first man I was with, an Academy roommate, made me very happy. I was in love with him. Chris was smart, handsome and popular. I couldn't believe that he chose me." Renny swallowed. He could _not_ look at Ray! "Then I found out he wasn't in love with me. In fact, he was telling some of his buddies the details of our times together and...laughing. I overheard him one day. It hurt, but I couldn't blame him, either. I should have known that a popular guy like Chris wouldn't really love me." 

Renny sighed. "He dumped me, and I thought I wouldn't get involved for a long time to come, but then I met a professor who made me feel special. I thought that I'd gotten lucky and found love this time. Then I...discovered that he'd been taking pictures of me, and us, and also had videotapes. I was terrified that he'd blackmail me. My family is prominent in Canadian politics, and I envisioned my picture splashed across the tabloids. He assured me that the pictures were only for his amusement. I swallowed my objections and let him keep them. How could I get them back? If I went to the authorities, it was a good chance that the pictures would become public." 

Renny smoothed the blanket out with trembling fingers. "I haven't had very good luck with my lovers. I thought that perhaps I had found some good fortune with you. I know that it would have been awkward for you to acknowledge our relationship, and that is certainly understandable. You must be careful in your position. You are a police officer, and you can't jeopardize that." Renny swallowed the hurt rising in his throat. He deliberately did not mention Ray's hurtful comments in the squadroom. He had already revealed how pathetic he was. Why give his former lover more reason for contempt? 

"So I understand that we must part. Thank you for getting me help, but you needn't bother with me anymore. I..." p>A slender hand was laid on his arm and he looked up, startled. He was shocked to see tears streaming down Ray's face. 

"Ray!" He grasped the American's arm. "What's the matter?" 

"Oh, Renny, I'm _so_ sorry!" Watery blue eyes looked at the Mountie. "You deserve so much better than me." 

"What...?" Renny was terribly confused. 

"I didn't have the guts to stand up and defend you because I'm a coward. I shoulda hauled off and popped both those jerks in the squadroom. I was afraid that they'd find out I was doin' it with a guy. And so what if you get a little carried away now and again? You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, Renny, and I don't want to lose you!" 

Ray hugged the stunned Canadian, tears soaking into Renny's hospital gown. He put his arms around Ray but was still unable to process what had just happened. 

"Ray, you needn't be sorry. It hurt a little, yes, but I'm used to it. You've been much kinder to me than anyone ever has been." A small smile quirked his lips. "You never laughed in my face or in bed, either. And you were very considerate of me in bed, too." 

"Aw, Renny." Ray sniffled and pulled away, looking at his lover. "You don't have to put yourself down. You're a great lover, and you're kind and generous and honest. More than I ever am." He snorted. "Just because there are jerks out there doesn't mean I gotta act like 'em." He tenderly put his hand on Renny's cheek. "I came to the Consulate to tell you all this. Then you melted onto the sidewalk like a Mountie popsicle. You're a lot better than you give yourself credit for, and those past jerks of yours didn't deserve ya. _I_ don't deserve ya, but I'm gonna ask anyway: do ya forgive me?" 

Tears spilled from Renny's eyes. "Oh, Ray!" Ray smiled and kissed him. Renny was flooded with joy at the taste of Ray's lips on his. Though Renny was still not convinced that he was everything that Ray had said, he was simply happy to have his lover back with him. He would try harder not to embarrass the cop in public and to be worthy of this special man. The loneliness of the future was kept at bay for a little while longer.* 


End file.
